Lord of the Drug Rings [new title]
by Soap Mah Mouth Out
Summary: A sick, twisted parody of the Felloship movie. It's ghetto fabulous and wrong on so many levels... The characters have been morally corrupted.
1. Default Chapter

Title: .Lewd of the Rings.  
  
Rated: R for INTENSE BAD WORDS AND SEXUAL CONTENT.   
  
DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE.   
  
PLEASE.  
  
THINK OF THE CHILDREN...  
  
  
Note: This is a parody of the movie, not the books. I mean no disrespect for the great  
JRR's works. Feel free to flame this story until your pants burn off. I like all the   
attention I can get.   
  
  
  
Froho sat under a tree, writing in his Hello Kitty diary--  
  
Dear Diary... Life is difficult in the Shire. I really want action and adventure,   
but the only thing I ever do is roll around in the grass with other Hobitches.   
Sham seems to rather enjoy himself, but the gleam in his eyes lately is a bit odd.   
I refuse to be tricked into playing doctor/patient with him again! He bit the tip   
of his sparkley pink gel pen. Oh phoey. The Shire was such a drag... Not literally.  
Yet.  
  
From down the dusty lane, the voice of Goodhuf the Crackhead echoed clearly. The junkie  
sang to himself...   
  
Two trailer park girls go round the outside  
round the outside, round the outside...  
Two trailer park girls go round the outside  
round the outside, round the outside...  
  
Guess whos back, back again  
Goodhuf's back, tell a friend  
Guess who's back, guess who's back,  
gruess who's back  
Guess who's back...  
  
  
Froho smiled to himself and put his diary away in his shoulder sachel. Damn it, no, it   
wasn't a purse.   
  
"You're *late*." Froho smiled jokinly as Goodhuf adjusted his large hat to keep the sun   
from hitting his bloodshot eyes.   
  
"Shut up, ho! I arrive when I damn well want to. Life's hard when The Man is on your  
tail every fuckin day."   
  
"Hee hee! Goodhuf!" Froho giggled, jumping from the hill. And completely missing Goodhuf's  
arms and the cart. Goodhuf shook his head and laughed. "You stupid crack baby. Hobitches  
are so cute like that."  
  
Froho dusted himself off and skipped to the cart.   
  
"I'm so glad you could make it! Uncle Dildo is having a birthday tonight, with whores, and strippers,   
and--"  
  
"Dildo Faggins? How is the old bastard doing?"  
  
"You know Dildo... Always getting into things he shouldn't! Go on, laugh! But before YOU came  
to the Shire, things were different... We Fagginses were well thought of! No one had any sexual  
adventures or did anything even slightly illegal..."  
  
"If you are referring to the incident with the sheep, the two blonde twins, and that sword   
covered in grease... I was barely invloved. I merely just watched and gave your uncle a good...  
push."  
  
Froho giggled.  
  
"Well! Whatever you did, you are officially labeled a disturber of the peace!"  
  
"Shut up, ho." Goodhuf slapped Froho upside the head and cranked up the Sub-woofers and bass in   
the cart's stereo. He turned on the fake police siren and hollered at a Hobitch girl walking down the   
lane. "Wooooooooooo! Honey! This is the Well Hung police! You have the right to take off your  
clothes and beg!"   
  
She blushed and flashed her boobies at him. Froho didn't notice, he was too busy looking at   
the perdy flowers growing on the side of the street.   
  
"Goodhuf!" The lil Hobitches of the Shire cried, running up the lane after him. They   
stopped and waited in the middle of the road.   
  
"Oh, very well! You cheap hoes!" He grated, sprinkling them in a spray of snowy white cocaine.  
They opened their mouthes and cheered. Damn coke grubbers.  
  
  
------------------------------  
  
"OPEN UP! THIS IS THE POLICE! YOUR ASS IS SURROUNDED! COME OUT BEFORE WE BLOW YOUR HOUSE  
TO FUCKING CINDERS!"  
  
"Hey! I ain't done anything! What the hell are you talking about?!" Dildo Faggins, dressed in   
a stained wifebeater and grey sweatpants threw open his door. "You know I'm clean now!"  
  
"Ha ha!"  
  
"Goodhuf, you whore! Come in! Have a sniff, take a puff!" Dildo invited. "Do you want a shot of  
vodka? Or something stronger?"  
  
"Nah, just some Hobitch weed." Goodhuf insisted. "I'm good." Dildo's hole was an absolute mess.   
Empty beer cans and other kinds of shit littered the floor and furniture. No, really. It wasn't   
a crack house. Honest. Okay, it was. "What's up, bitch? Hows you hangin' lately?"  
  
"Piss poor. All the punks around here are such pussies. They're only interested in tits and hoes.  
I remember a day when I could get a good piece of profit from some nice coke, a good huff of   
Hobitch weed. I don't sell pussy, Goodhuf. I feel like a blunt that has been passed to too many  
moochers."  
  
"Damn moochers..." Goodhuf muttered, taking another puff.  
  
--------------------------------  
  
The party was KICKIN. Strobe lights were flashing, the women were loose, and   
the beer flowed like water.   
  
"This is so much funnnnn!" Froho giggled, applying more glitter to his cheeks and hair. He twirled  
his glowsticks and watched Sham put on a glownecklace. "Why don't you go dance with Hosie?   
She looks lonely."  
  
Four male Hobitches were on her ass like cheap spandex, bumping and grinding. She waved her arms  
in the air and swallowed some colourful pills.   
  
"Nah, she's trifling!" Sham shook his head. "I'd rather be with you anyway. All that glitter  
makes you so hot..."  
  
"No it doesn't! I'm not hot! It's cold out, you silly!" Froho hit his arm. Sham was such   
a joker!   
  
Pipen Toke and Merry Brandyfuck chuckled as they raided Goodhuf's cart of "goodies".   
  
"HERE!" Pipen whispered, grabbing a bunch of crackrocks. "These should light reeeeeaaaaal nice!"  
  
"YEAH!" Merry drooled.   
  
They went inside the tent and tried to melt the crackrocks. Little did they know, you don't light   
crackrocks for they have a tendancy to EXPLODE.   
  
  
BOOOOOM!  
  
  
"Fucking hell!" Pipen had singed his eyebrows off! Merry laughed. Both were covered in black soot.   
  
"YOU muther fucking bitches! That was my best stuff!" Goodhuf ROARED. "You are gonna LICK all   
the plates clean, or my size 12 shoe is going up your ass. You fairy Hobitches will probably   
like that too much, but I don't give a rat's fuck. LICK IT!"   
  
  
".... and lastly, I'd like to say... SUCK MY BALLS!" Dildo disappeared into a puff of smoke.   
The crowd gasped in shock.   
  
Heh heh heh.   
  
---------------------------------  
  
"Oh yeah. You think it's so clever to use a magic ring and disappear." Goodhuf rolled his eyes.   
"Gimme that damn thing, you don't know what the hell you're doing!"  
  
"NO! It's MINE! My precious...."  
  
"You like that thing too much, Dildo. Give it to me so I can give it to Froho. You on the   
need to go out and get your ass laid. Shit, man!"   
  
"You just want the ring for yourself!!!!" Dildo hissed.  
  
"DILDO FAGGINS! Do NOT mistake me for a conjurour of cheap tricks! My hoes are the TOP of   
the LINE. And I'll have words with any hater who says otherwise."  
  
"Goodhuf, you're right... I need to go out into the world and gets me a piece of ass.   
Give the ring to Froho. My ass is OUT of HERE. Peace bro."  
  
-------------------------------  
  
"Diiiiiiiiiiildo! Oh, Dildo, where are you?" Froho came out of the shower and sang sweetly.   
Sham's head popped out of the bushes. His binoculars were still attached to his face. He  
breathed hot and heavy then sunk back into the bushes as Froho waltzed around in just a towel.   
  
"Froho! Your uncle Dildo has gone to get a piece of Elfin ass. He left this all this shiznit--the  
crib and this ring--for you."  
  
"Oh, neato!"   
  
"But... this ring may be hot, so keep it hidden! I have to go check the word on the street!"   
  
"Okay! Tootlies!" Froho blew a kiss and waved.   
  
-----------------------------  
  
Several days later...  
  
"FROHO! Where is the ring!"   
  
"Right here!" He reached into his Britney Spears Brand© chastity belt and retrived the ring.  
  
"Fuck, man. This shiznit is HOT stuff. it belongs to the Censor. With his damned unflicking finger! His evil ass  
won't be happy until he slaps a warning label on all our shiznit and put clothes on all of   
our hoes! Someone needs to cap a bullet in his dome."  
  
"How do you know it belongs to him?"  
  
"Take a look at what it says... That is Elvish for 'Made in Cihna."  
  
"Cihna?"  
  
"Yeah, it's cheap shit, but if he gets his hands on it, it will be the end of rampant sex,   
drug use, out right cussing, and farmer porn in ALL OF THE LAND."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sham wailed.   
  
"Shamhigh Flegmcheese!" Goodhuf growled, ripping the Hobitch from his stalker spot neath the   
ledge. "What did you hear, ho?"  
  
"Nothing! Just that Froho is hung like a pony... Froho looks great in a speedo... and   
Froho would make a wonderful husband for our 103 children...! I swear! That's all! Don't do  
anything kinky! Please! I'm not into that."  
  
"Hmmm... I have a better use for you. You're going to go with Froho to the trifling ghetto   
of Mordor and toss this ring into the hell pits of the Mordo Pawnshop. It must be cast from   
whence it came. I'll meet you at the Inn of the Nancing Fairy"  
  
"I'm down with that!" Sham laughed, cuddling next to Froho.  
  
That Sham! What a caring friend! Froho smiled.   
  
--------------------------------- 


	2. Chapter 2

Title: .Lewd of the Rings.  
  
Rated: R for INTENSE BAD WORDS AND SEXUAL CONTENT.   
  
DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER AGE.   
  
PLEASE.  
  
THINK OF THE CHILDREN...  
  
  
Note: This is a parody of the movie, not the books. I mean no disrespect for the great  
JRR's works. Feel free to flame this story until your pants burn off. I like all the   
attention I can get.  
  
  
  
-----------------------------------------  
  
  
And it was so.   
  
Goodhuf the Playa rode his noble purple mustang [a pimin' 78] to the highrise crib of   
Screwyourmom the Hype.  
  
"Yeah, so Froho's booking his ass so the Censor can't get his hands on the ring.   
We don't need any shit like that, man."  
  
"The hour is later than you think, old friend. The Censor's force is gaining   
power in Middle-Earth. It is best that we join forces with them."   
  
"Bitch, are you trippin? You're working for The Man, aren't you? You sold your  
fucking soul to the censor, and now you want me to sell out, too? Fuck you, bizzach!"  
Goodhuf bitchslapped Screwyourmom across the face like a ho.   
  
"Oh no you didn't!" Screwyourmom snapped his fingers and wagged his head.   
  
"Oh, bring it!" Goodhuf stepped up.   
  
And got his ass kicked.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
"Sham! You don't have to hold my hand! Goofball!" Froho giggled and pushed Sham's shoulder.  
"I'm not going to trip, fall, or fall down any cavernous pits. No matter what you   
said!"   
  
The two friends walked through the high stalks of marijuana until two Hobitches  
jumped on them.   
  
"Froho Faggins! Shamhigh Flegmcheese!" Pipen Toke laughed.  
  
"Have you been into Farmer Maggot's crop again?"  
  
"Like a bizzach!" Merry Brandyfuck laughed. "RUN!!!!"  
  
They giggled like children and promptly fell over a cliff.   
  
"Stay off the road! Goodhuf said so!" Froho wailed as all the Hobitches dived under  
the lip of a large root.   
  
Instantly, a loud screeching sound was heard. And snuffling, chortling, and   
snortling noises filled the silence. One of the Popopigs dismounted his patrol  
horse and waddled over to the root. He sniffed the air... He could smell   
a doughtnut a mile away. . . Yummmmmm.   
  
*Fuck!* Merry thought and threw a bag of pastries into the bushes away from them.   
The Popopig screeched hungrily and rode after the tastey treat.   
  
"Damn, Froho, what was that?!" Pipen screamed. "What did you do?"   
  
"I...."  
  
"Stop pressing him, dick!" Sham shouted, huggling Froho to him. "He's had a very  
very rough day." He stroked Froho's nice, dark, shiny, soft, luscious, sweet-smelling,   
ebony hair. That Sham! So motherly and nuturing!   
  
"Then we go to Buckleberry Ferry...".   
  
------------------------------------  
  
"Damn, Froho. I still can't believe you didn't make the jump from the dock to the   
boat. Good thing Sham was there to pull you in by the front of your trousers!"  
  
"Ah, about that... Sham--"  
  
"Shhh. Don't say a word." He pressed a finger to Froho's lips. "I like you when you   
get all wet...". Sham was so kind to Froho's ego!  
  
"There it is--the Inn of the Nancing Fairy... Is Goodhuf here?" Froho asked the   
bartender.   
  
"Sorry, little man. Ain't seen him around." The burly man gruffed. "But I think   
that homeless man there wants to have a gander at y'all nekkid."  
  
"He's been staring at you all night..." Merry whispered.  
  
Sham gripped his beer stein so hard it shattered to pieces in his hand.   
  
"Froho Faggins! He's my second and first cousin once removed on either side!"  
A drunk Pipen coughed.   
  
Fuck you, Pipen! Everyone thought.  
  
Froho paniced as bigger, harrier, men grabbed him. He slipped, and the ring fell   
onto his finger.  
  
"Woah! Where'd the fresh meat go?!" One of the men yelled.   
  
HA! He was invisible! Everything the Censor touched always lost its soul. Without soul,   
there is nothing....  
  
"That's a nice piece of ass you have, young sir. You draw far too much attention to   
yourself..." Alotofporn touched Froho's face. The man was a hobo bum who smelled BAD.  
  
"EEEWWWIES!" Froho squeaked, spraying the man with kiwi-mango body spray. "Get some soap!"  
  
The man dragged Froho back to his room. Oh no! This was the end! Good thing he still   
wore his Britney Spears Brand© chastity belt!  
  
"TOUCH-HIM-AND-DIE-YOU-MUTHERFUCKING-PIECE-OF-FUCKING-HOBO-SHIT!" Sham SCREAMED, snorting like a rapid  
bull and kicking down the door with one kick. He LUNGED for Alotofporn and kicked the crap out   
of him.  
  
"Yeah, bizzach!" Pipen and Merry shouted in unison.   
  
"I din mean no harm!" Alotofporn h'yucked and put a piece of straw in his mouth. "I gots me a   
racked bitch at home."  
  
"We'll see, longshanks." Sham's eyes narrowed.   
  
-------------------------------------  
  
"Sham, I'm not afraid. You don't have to hold me so close. Really." Froho choked as   
Sham snuggled closer to him. "You can go back to your own bed now..."  
  
Shrieks cried out from across the street as the 9 Popopigs ripped apart the decoy beds.  
  
"Damn, what are those things?" Pipen toked up.   
  
"The Popopigs... Nice Pigs [cough police cough] who are servants of the Censor. They are  
servants to the Ring and will not stop hunting you, Froho."  
  
"Aww! They love me that much!"  
  
"No, they love the Dark Lord that much."  
  
"Oooooooooooh." They all nodded their heads in understanding.   
  
"Tomorrow we leave for Rivendell. It's a pimped-out city filled with hot Elf ass."  
  
"Yahoo!" Pipen and Merry cheered. 


End file.
